More than one poke

I'm going to start selling my vicodin and darvocet to make the money back that I've spent on useless medical co-pays that have yielded no results, other than these random pain medicines.

Ok, well I won't do that since it's illegal. But it would help ease the pain of still being in pain and having paid over $100 in the last two weeks and still not have answers as to why I'm in pain in the first place.

Today I had another 'you may need surgery!' scare. Then within a matter of hours, from yet a different person, was told that 'everything looks normal!'

Pain means something isn't "normal." So I'm learning to walk tall, even with the limp that comes from my body naturally trying to get pressure off my pelvis. I'm learning to deal with the pain. I'm working on still laughing. I'm working on still working. I'm planning to go about business as usual for the next couple weeks and hopefully by then the pain will have gone away,with or without a 'diagnosis.'

I have a vitamin D deficiency. That's one thing I know for sure from last month's bloodwork.

Perhaps I'll soak in the tub tonight...

Left foot, right foot

Dear Life,

I realized today that some days you have to go back to basics. To walk, you go one foot in front of the other. If you go with both feet, you're essentially jumping ahead of yourself.

As I sit and indulge in a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (comfort food) I'm reminded of the pain I felt and the tears I cried today. A lot of it was because I overreacted and let me emotions get the best of me. Jumping.

What I'd love to get back to, beginning tomorrow, is walking...one foot in front of the other. My conscious goal for tomorrow is to just take things one step at a time.

--nlr

Forks in the road

The bad news is that my insides still hurt. As much as I try to be engaged and present in this world, I find it difficult. Right now, I have a life, but I am not truly living.

“The body that turns in upon itself is split from the self that looks forward to this body’s restitution. The temporarily broken-down body becomes ‘it’ to be cured. Thus the self is dissociated from the body.” Arthur Frankl

The shift from being stuck to being present is something that one has to practice regularly. That makes all the difference between just having a life and truly living.

I admit, I have not practiced what I know to be true. There are some things that have been so ingrained in me...like I will hold the door open for an old lady, even if she's not struggling. It doesn't take a second thought, even if I'm rushing.

I want my story between the dash to be that I lived abundantly, loved what I did in life and raised a beautiful family.

First, I have to get through the cysts and the fibroids, the pain and the mental strain. I want to do, but I realize the more I do, the more I hurt, which is probably why I didn't get better the first go-round.

The silver lining: This has made me adjust my road map some. I'm thinking more about saving my money. I'm thinking more about what it is that will really make me happy (not just what I'm "good" at). I went to WSU to get better at what I was good at in high school. It is mostly a fulfilling career choice. I want to get better at other things too, which is why I'm considering taking some more classes, in psychology, while I work.

I have more analysis of self and situations to do before I decide which route to take this time. In the meantime, I'm focusing on living. I'm focusing on addressing the health issues that have kept me hurting, and preparing myself for all of the possibilities associated with my reproductive system. I'm focusing on putting out quality articles at my internship. I'm focusing on rebuilding friendships, loves, all of the above.

Yeah, I'm just doin' me.