Putting it in the universe

I've been ready for something new. I knew I needed something new to give me some excitement, to motivate me to work harder and learn more. But can the old ever become new?

I say yes.

Yes because that's what rebirth is. It's just like when they market something on TV as "new & improved." It's supposedly a better version of what was.

I am back home now - literally back home. Living with mom and dad and sisters. It's my old stomping ground but there's a new feel to it. I'm an adult now.

I am talking to and enjoying my one true love again. It is amazing and nervewrecking and lovely and blossoming. We're feeling each other out again and I'm hopeful that we'll feel each other out forever. He says it's really possible. I feel the same way. I want to have a family with him. We deserve it.

I chose to quit my job in North Carolina. I still loved the interviews and the news reports that I spent all of these months working to put out. I loved the relationships I formed. I did not love the bureaucracy and idiocy that I had to deal with in the office. Some days it felt like pure foolishness. And when the paper was sold and we learned nothing would really change except e-mails, I knew it was time. I was told by some close helpers that the nearly 10 months I spent there was enough time for something to grow in me that I needed to give birth to. Newness.

I spent a couple of months in Detroit trying to make something fit that didn't. And now I'm home. It wasn't the idea, but it happened. I'm trying to learn what I can while I'm here. I want to have success between the dash. When I come out of this -whatever this is - I'm sure I'll be "new & improved."

Personality

Sometimes I feel so heavyhearted but I can't explain, cuz I'm so guarded. But that's a lonely road to travel, and a heavy load to bear. And it's a long, long way to heaven, but I gotta get there. Can you send an angel to guide me? - Alicia Keys "Prelude to a Kiss"

That's my prayer now. I need guidance.

The things I love and hate are wrapped in one package. They essentially come together. It's almost like when the smell of paint gives you a headache, but you love how the walls look when they're finished. But at least you have some hope because eventually the paint dries and the smell goes away. But what if everyday, you had to open a new can of paint and add a new coat to the wall? Would you get used to the smell? Would you try a different color? Do you quit doing what you love to avoid the toxins you're exposed to?

That's why I need guidance. I have a lot of questions. On a daily basis, I'm reminded of my purpose. On a daily basis, I'm fighting an uphill battle.

I just want to do something drastic that might just shake me out of this.