The waiting place...

Excerpt from "Oh, the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss:

"I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place..."

--
Amazing things have happened to me since I last blogged, despite being in the middle of nowhere in my mind. I have been in a slump. When I read "Oh, the Places You'll Go" to a class on Dr. Seuss' birthday (March 2), I almost cried. It made me grateful for progress and the potential for progress, and hopeful that I'm still able to go places.

I have been substitute teaching more at a school that I really like. The students, from Kindergarten to 5th-grade, will give me hugs - even if I've had to put them in a time out. I have gotten my groove in the classroom. I have explored the alternative school setting, and the middle school setting. I still tend to lean toward elementary school even though you really can't catch a break as a real teacher. If you have to pee, you might as well forget going when you feel like it! The teachers are all saying I need to hurry up and get certified. I'm still not 100% positive that I want my own classroom, however. That is my real hangup. Having seen how things work from the inside out and the outside in, I'm just not overly thrilled about being a public school teacher. But maybe that will come, as people say I am a natural at it. (People said the same thing about reporting, too.)

My master's in psychology is still in process. I'm almost to the halfway point. I start class number 6 of 13 at the end of this month. I'm just so excited.

My love with my one true love has been back on this rollercoaster in a sense. We both have a lot to deal with separately, more than I'm willing to blog about. At times we have let those things be toxins to what should be a pure love. That is not to say there won't be problems in this relationship. It's just that those issues shouldn't be so great, or seem so great, at times. As we understand one another better and in a more mature light, the love is getting where it should be again. We've known each other since the summer of 2004, and dated on and off. What's funny is that this is probably the longest, most serious stretch of dating that we've been in. It's going to result in a baby. That is probably the most amazing part of this whole quitting my job and moving home thing.

The baby is scheduled for arrival mid-November. I found out last week Sunday (March 14). I had been having pain in my right pelvic area for a few days prior. I figured it was PMS related cramps and then my period would come. Well, by Sunday the pain had gotten worse so I went ahead and took my insurance-less self to ER knowing that I've had a history of pelvic issues. That's when the doctor revealed the news. But it was scary because of the pain and they thought I needed to be monitored for ectopic pregnancy complications. That day, they did not see the gestational sac in my uterus or my fallopian tubes, and my HCG levels were low signifying a very early pregnancy. I went back to the doctor for bloodwork on Tuesday, and then went to the OBGYN on Wednesday. That's when Dr. Allen confirmed that my baby was growing and another ultrasound was performed and I was given an actual due date to look forward to. :-) Today I don't have a real "plan," and I was feeling bad about not having a plan. But then I thought about how I already felt bad because I didn't have a plan for myself anyway! That leads me to the next thing...

I'm spending the next few days dedicated to myself and to my self improvement. I feel like I have changed and grown but haven't fully caught up with myself where I've grown to. My life and myself are out of sync. That will change. I will be out of this slump. I will figure out the best career for me, the best spiritual home for me, the best physical home for me...and now my baby. Oh, the places I will go!

Putting it in the universe

I've been ready for something new. I knew I needed something new to give me some excitement, to motivate me to work harder and learn more. But can the old ever become new?

I say yes.

Yes because that's what rebirth is. It's just like when they market something on TV as "new & improved." It's supposedly a better version of what was.

I am back home now - literally back home. Living with mom and dad and sisters. It's my old stomping ground but there's a new feel to it. I'm an adult now.

I am talking to and enjoying my one true love again. It is amazing and nervewrecking and lovely and blossoming. We're feeling each other out again and I'm hopeful that we'll feel each other out forever. He says it's really possible. I feel the same way. I want to have a family with him. We deserve it.

I chose to quit my job in North Carolina. I still loved the interviews and the news reports that I spent all of these months working to put out. I loved the relationships I formed. I did not love the bureaucracy and idiocy that I had to deal with in the office. Some days it felt like pure foolishness. And when the paper was sold and we learned nothing would really change except e-mails, I knew it was time. I was told by some close helpers that the nearly 10 months I spent there was enough time for something to grow in me that I needed to give birth to. Newness.

I spent a couple of months in Detroit trying to make something fit that didn't. And now I'm home. It wasn't the idea, but it happened. I'm trying to learn what I can while I'm here. I want to have success between the dash. When I come out of this -whatever this is - I'm sure I'll be "new & improved."

Personality

Sometimes I feel so heavyhearted but I can't explain, cuz I'm so guarded. But that's a lonely road to travel, and a heavy load to bear. And it's a long, long way to heaven, but I gotta get there. Can you send an angel to guide me? - Alicia Keys "Prelude to a Kiss"

That's my prayer now. I need guidance.

The things I love and hate are wrapped in one package. They essentially come together. It's almost like when the smell of paint gives you a headache, but you love how the walls look when they're finished. But at least you have some hope because eventually the paint dries and the smell goes away. But what if everyday, you had to open a new can of paint and add a new coat to the wall? Would you get used to the smell? Would you try a different color? Do you quit doing what you love to avoid the toxins you're exposed to?

That's why I need guidance. I have a lot of questions. On a daily basis, I'm reminded of my purpose. On a daily basis, I'm fighting an uphill battle.

I just want to do something drastic that might just shake me out of this.

Essentials

I asked the Truth
to make up his mind
and waiting for Truth's answer
made me find mine
in danger of love

Soul
The essential part
Where we connected strong: My
Heart

Growing...

Do flowers hurt when they bloom? Is there pain in that process?

I feel better, generally. Now that I have my own place, the eating out has slowed almost to minimal. My fruit and veggie intake has increased, as has my water consumption. I still indulge all too often in sweets.

What's happened since the summer ended? Well I landed a great job doing what I love - reporting. I am telling people's stories. I am talking to kids and adults, chronicling the events that make life go. I'm happy with it.

But blooming is a task.

More than one poke

I'm going to start selling my vicodin and darvocet to make the money back that I've spent on useless medical co-pays that have yielded no results, other than these random pain medicines.

Ok, well I won't do that since it's illegal. But it would help ease the pain of still being in pain and having paid over $100 in the last two weeks and still not have answers as to why I'm in pain in the first place.

Today I had another 'you may need surgery!' scare. Then within a matter of hours, from yet a different person, was told that 'everything looks normal!'

Pain means something isn't "normal." So I'm learning to walk tall, even with the limp that comes from my body naturally trying to get pressure off my pelvis. I'm learning to deal with the pain. I'm working on still laughing. I'm working on still working. I'm planning to go about business as usual for the next couple weeks and hopefully by then the pain will have gone away,with or without a 'diagnosis.'

I have a vitamin D deficiency. That's one thing I know for sure from last month's bloodwork.

Perhaps I'll soak in the tub tonight...

Left foot, right foot

Dear Life,

I realized today that some days you have to go back to basics. To walk, you go one foot in front of the other. If you go with both feet, you're essentially jumping ahead of yourself.

As I sit and indulge in a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (comfort food) I'm reminded of the pain I felt and the tears I cried today. A lot of it was because I overreacted and let me emotions get the best of me. Jumping.

What I'd love to get back to, beginning tomorrow, is walking...one foot in front of the other. My conscious goal for tomorrow is to just take things one step at a time.

--nlr